Hey Team Barefoot!
Sorry for the long hiatus from the blog. But today I begin a series of musings called “things that make me go hmm…”, because I have to say, there’s a lot going on in the world that’s a head scratcher to me. My first topic is the whole phone in the bathroom thing.
Specifically, what I’m referring to is me standing in a urinal in a washroom minding my own business and doing my business and looking over and there’s a dude doing his business and checking his e-mail, or replying to an e-mail (one-handed) or sending a text (also one-handed) or if they’re really obnoxious, asking Siri or Google to do it and I have to listen to it…
Now I’m all about working smart and being efficient but isn’t this a bit over-the-top?...and borderline weird?...like, if the urinal isn’t a safe zone for handling smartphones, there just aren’t any boundaries left…
I mean, kudos to some of these folks…I know I couldn’t do it…I just don’t have the eye-hand-junk coordination to pull it off…if that were me I’d go back to my desk looking like a bad a Flomax experiment…”sorry guys, just couldn’t get the zipper open in time…y’all know how it is…[awkward chuckle]…” But do they know how ridiculous they look? Or what I’m possibly thinking about them?...like:
- Are you trying to take a picture of my junk?
- Are you snapping a pic of your own junk?
- How deep are your mommy issues?
- How overbearing is your Napoléon complex?
- Are there support groups for people like you?
Now look, I’ve had my share of near fatal episodes where that conference call goes 2 hours longer than you planned and you’re bursting at the seams and afraid that the old man from that Scooby Doo episode that’s working the ‘ole prostate bridge is gonna pass out and cause mass chaos for all involved…but in those cases I’ve simply hit mute, prayed they don’t ask me a question and make sprint for it…cuz when you’re actually on a live call in the urinal, for the rest of us it’s super weird, super creepy and super ridiculous…yes, there are instances where I’ve felt turning towards the offending person and finishing my business on the ass pockets of his pants was warranted and could be defended by the universal laws of decency…I mean, today’s smartphones have supersonic audible traction, all ambient noise is captured…so what’s your response when someone (rightfully) announces in the middle of the call: “hey [insert appropriately douche-y guy name], is that you pissing???...”
What happens when it drops?...that’s a conundrum…after the shock hits and you’ve realized you pissed all over your phone do you perform the “bend of shame” and retrieve it?...does the bowl of rice trick work for smartphones soaked in urea? Does it depend on if its golden yellow?...stout brown?...or clear?...please let me know if you have the answers…Is it socially acceptable for the rest of us to chuckle out loud and possibly slip in an audible “haha…you loser…pick up ur piss phone…”
Now I’ve said all this assuming that said hypothetical douche is either holding their smartphone directly or using some form of ear bud technology. To the extent said offender is rocking the jawbone or classic blue-tooth ear piece (where it looks like you’re trying to talk to someone on Mars but they’re just having a laugh at your expense)…well that’s a super special douche in their own special category of “we should be able to piss all over your wing tip shoes or whatever obnoxious footwear you’re sporting without fear of retribution”…
Now all bets are off for the supersonic douche who takes a live call into the stall…there’s nothing more awkward than trying to do your business and being distracted by some moron who is having a live phone conversation whilst dropping a deuce…I’d say, said person has a special set of issues. Now personally I have been exposed to such abhorrent phone/bathroom behavior on several occasions. One time, while at a sink washing my hands, I was taken aback when I thought someone in a stall was striking up a conversation with me…until I quickly realized the stranger behind the door was on his phone…whereupon, slightly tweaked out, I broke into a high-pitched squeal version of The Police’s ‘Roxanne’…where my “put on the red light…” refrains were bellowed so loudly that it had to create all sorts of disconcertion for that idiot’s call (and then I ran out before I could be identified). On another occasion I started to loudly do the Cosmos soccer chant from the 1980s where one claps loudly in time to that famous beat…bah, bah, bah-bah-bah, bah-bah-bah- bah…COSMOS!!!” – for which the douche yelled from his portal in disgruntled fashion…”@sshole!...” And again on another occasion I found the really loud toilet and kept flushing it so the offender couldn’t hear a thing on his call…causing him to have some kind of fit inside the stall…and then the phone hit the floor and skidded under the stall door into the common area whereupon…you guessed it…yours truly proudly leaned down and shouted into the phone: ”hey guys, your man just passed out from taking a sh*t so you may wanna proceed without him…” – after which I kicked the phone under another occupied stall and ran…now that was fun times!!!...
My view is that my right to privacy trumps your desire to have no privacy. In a public restroom nobody wants to hear you talking to your wife or buddy or work colleague. Further, you’re just not that important that whatever you’re doing can’t wait until you take care of your business. Or if it simply can’t, do us the courtesy of finishing with your phone before you invade our privacy.
Otherwise, we reserve the right to ridicule and otherwise shame you for the douche that you are…
2nd urinal from the front left wall
Penn Station, NYC