So recently I spent some vacation time in the North Fork of Long Island (the “NoFo”), and I have to say that I need to spend a few minutes here dissecting and musing about the phrase “farm to table.”
According to Wikipedia (aka, the online encyclopedia for jerkoffs), farm-to-table is:
“…a social movement which promotes serving local food at restaurants and school cafeterias, preferably through direct acquisition from the producer (which might be a winery, brewery, ranch, fishery, or other type of food producer which is not strictly a ‘farm’. This might be accomplished by a direct sales relationship, a community-supported agriculture arrangement, a farmer's market, a local distributor or by the restaurant or school raising its own food. Farm-to-table often incorporates a form of food traceability (celebrated as ‘knowing where your food comes from’) where the origin of the food is identified to consumers. Often restaurants cannot source all the food they need for dishes locally, so only some dishes or only some ingredients are labelled as local.”
Even funnier is that the posting has a criticism section which I’ll paste here and underline the parts I find amusing for you:
“Despite the growth in the farm-to-table restaurants the movement has been met with some criticism. Critics argue the interest in knowing where your food comes from and ensuring it is locality sourced is just another food fad for millennials. Furthermore, the higher price point that many restaurants are forced to demand, given the higher costs of production and lower economies of scale, also make farm-to-table food less accessible for many people. The movement was originally closed tied to "tree-hugging elitists," who were able to afford farm-to-table food. Lastly, critics argue that the farm-to-table term is not fully understood by consumers. For example, foods advertised as farm-to-table are considered healthier regardless of actual nutritional content…”
I think if I were to offer my linguistic gifts to the editorial board at Wikipedia, I’d motion that they distill the criticism section to highlighted text above, read as a complete sentence.
In fact, if I were Wikipedia, I’d just replace the whole posting with the Family Guy episode that mocks it, where Brian and Stewie encounter the steroid bees…https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hn9m5dmbyoA
So what exactly is farm-to-table in reality? If my duck is “local”, does that mean the Chef pulled it from a distilled pond out back where the ducks listens to Mozart and swims amongst life size Bob Ross paintings before it’s knocked unconscious by a wooden mallet? Has my sweet corn been hand massaged kernel by kernel by a hot yoga Reiki princess before its simply shucked and roasted like I do at the beach? Does my “local” chicken surfeit itself on a diet of wheatgrass and fresh avocado and attend daily Pilates sessions before it too is bludgeoned like its Frank Perdue steroidal peer group? Has my “local” bison been given weekly prostate massages and taken on daily nature walks before it’s shot between the eyes by Farmer Jones?
I mean, let’s be serious folks. Listening to people totally into this genre is worse than the folks ordering their annoying lattes at (Why BFD hates) Starbux (see prior blog posting)…
“Omg, that honey I bought is so farm-to-table…” Why? How? What happened during the honey-making process that made it farm-to-table? Did the beekeeper repeatedly quote Chaucer and Shakespeare and Voltaire whilst coaxing the bees? Dude, wtf?...
Look, I’m all about eating and drinking local. Don’t get me wrong. I’m a huge supporter and drinker of LI craft beers (shout out to Blue Point, Montauk, Great South Bay, Fire Island Brewing, Eastern Front, Jamesport Farm Brewing and Crooked Ladder). And I routinely buy locally produced foods from farm stands near my house out in the NoFo. HOWEVER, let me make some things perfectly clear to folks like Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez and her sycophants/acolytes/followers/brainwashed-can’t-think-for-themselves devotees who think this bullsh*t phrase that they can’t define is the be-all-end-all when it comes to food:
Your local duck could have been a bully. I’m just throwing it out there. It could have bullied other ducks. And you can’t prove otherwise.
Your local chicken could have harassed other chickens, or worse, “cock teased” a rooster (wow I just said that out loud)…
Your salmon poke could spawn-ed downstream. You have no clue.
The goat that made your goat’s milk could have had a substance problem. Maybe it got reckless with the painkillers…the struggle is real
And has anybody thought about the fact that your venison could have come from a bow-legged deer?...
Here are some hysterical farm-to-table references from real menus I found online:
“Chef Andrea Reusing in Chapel Hill serves pork from Eliza MacLean's Cane Creek Farm. Her Ossabaw pigs are descended from hogs stranded by conquistadors in the 16th century…”
[WHAT IF INSTEAD BFD WANTS A STEAK THAT’S FROM A COW THAT’S A DESCENDENT FROM CUSTER’S LAST STAND???]
“Monica Pope (an F&W Best New Chef 1996) loves the organic pecans from Rio Grande Organics in Quemado Valley, Texas. She uses the nuts to garnish a salad of quickly grilled zucchini ribbons and creamy-fleshed cranberry beans. Pecan oil enhances the pecans' sweet flavor but the dish is equally delicious without it…”
[BULLSH*T – YOU CAN’T HAVE IT BOTH WAYS – IT’S ONLY DELICIOUS WITH THE PECAN OIL]
“At Montagna, chef Ryan Hardy uses ingredients from his own nearby organic farm. This dramatic roast was inspired by a street vendor in Siena, Italy. ‘It changed the way I thought about food,’ he says. ‘It was fatty and sweet, spicy and succulent, smoky and salty—all at the same time.’ Hardy uses the rub on other kinds of pork cuts, including the shoulder and leg, but the bone-in pork roast is the most dramatic; he often wraps a piece of pork belly around the side to make the meat extra juicy…”
[SO NOW MY PORK NEEDS A DRAMA COACH???...]
The other phraseology in this genre that makes me giggle is the expression “sustainable”…”sustainable seafood…” What? So my swordfish stood on its peak for 12 minutes before is was “sustainably” harpooned and brought to shore? My salmon did side planks for 2 minutes each side before being “wild caught”?...
The moral of the story here is…don’t get uppity about your food. It makes you look like more of a dumb ass than you already are. Eat and drink local but keep it right there…because like I said…you can’t prove your duck wasn’t a bully…😉
Bay Breeze Inn
South Jamesport, LI