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I Can't Drive 55...Or Anywhere Near Any of You...

This one’s for Joe T and for anyone who commutes to work in an automobile, or drives regularly in an overpopulated metropolitan area, or uses public transit but has acute PTSD from dealing with people who drive that I’m about to spout off about (like me)…

Ever hear the saying that it’s safer to be in an airplane than behind the wheel?  Well until recently (ie, news reports in the last few years detailing incidents of near catastrophe involving pilots and tower control personnel and alcohol, drugs, sleep deprivation, cell phones & sexual misconduct, etc.), there has never been a truer statement.  Driving a car in today’s world is utterly terrifying.  It’s an absolute sh*tshow.  It’s a bad video game.  It’s Russian roulette with thousands of pounds of metal and crappy plastic (the modern bumper).

Let’s start with my basic premise.  The inherent problem is no different than a similar theme I’ve hit upon in past rants…driving involves the general public and shared space, which people generally don’t give a sh*t about anymore.  They think the world revolves around them and their actions reflect it in every way shape and form.  In the old days when I was a kid, people looked out for other people behind the wheel in the way that golfers are supposed to yield and be mindful of other golfers on the golf course…just a general level of respect, awareness and deference for those around you.  Nowadays you’re lucky if someone who runs a stop sign in front of you and almost kills you doesn’t yell out the window: “f*ck off @sshole!!!...” (insert contemplative, thinking emoji face)…

So let’s unpack this in small bites.  First, there’s the basic issue of who should qualify for a driver’s license.  Based on my extensive research (ie, all of the collisions I’ve been involved in caused by the stupidity and lack of driving acumen by the offending other drivers), it seems clear to me that people shouldn’t be permitted to drive (or the scrutiny should be heightened many more notches upward) for the following people:

  • Old people
  • People under 25
  • The visually impaired
  • People with anger management issues
  • People with ADD/ADHD or severe OCD
  • People addicted to the video game Fortnite
  • People addicted to porn
  • People who have a high likelihood of doing the following behind the wheel: eating, drinking, smoking, applying makeup/nail manicuring/nail polishing, constantly changing the radio station, watching the in-car dvd player, or having a conversation with persons in the car involving lots of hand gestures or looking at such persons (why?) while they chat

Generally speaking, while the Department of Motor Vehicles for each and every state would strenuously object to my draconian proposal, this would easily take 80% of the driving public off the roads and as a result reduce traffic, exponentially increase road safety, reduce insurance rates and substantially reduce accidents, driving times, road rage and a host of other byproducts with sharing the roads with @assholes…

And that’s before I even get to smartphones…yes, those hand-held devices that people appear to have permanently attached to their hands whilst they drive.  Is there a f*cking soccer mom in this country that can drive from their driveway to point B in their obnoxious & sh*tty Honda Odyssey without having to make a phone call?  Is there?  If so could you please DM me on my Instagram feed (aka, theoriginalbarefootdave)?  Because I seriously question whether you exist.

When I was growing up (and it’s still true today), the pariahs of the road were drunk drivers.  We founded MADD and then got SADD and lit candles for the deceased (NOTE: this part isn’t funny – all vehicular deaths are sad and tragic, regardless of whether they could have been prevented or were caused by the selfishness and stupidity of others).  But today, we have neighborhoods of drunk drivers riding around 24/7 and in broad daylight…and they’re otherwise called everybody on the phone and texting/sexting behind the wheel.  Studies show these people (who aren’t watching what’s in front of them (or behind or to the sides of them, for that matter)), are WORSE than drunk drivers.  Way worse.  There is nothing worse than passing someone on a highway at 65 mph and looking over at some selfish prick millennial in their parents’ BMW looking down at their laps, where their phone is and smiling.  Because there’s NOTHING funny about them slamming into grandma ¼ mile ahead because they aren’t paying any attention.

In BFD’s parallel universe, here’s how smartphones should work in a car.  The car should not be allowed to start unless the phone is placed in a console where it cannot be reached.  That limits use of it beyond its interaction with the car’s hands-free phone system.  If the selfish prick chooses to engage with the phone while it’s in motion…BFD promotes the following repercussions:

First text sent: you get a taser-like shock in your genitals from within the driver’s seat for a duration of 7 to 10 seconds

Second text sent: repeat the above, only for 20 seconds, and now a signal is also sent to local authorities that you’re breaking the law, triggering an automatic $1,000 fine that is irrevocable, and your insurance skyrockets

Third text (and by now you truly are a douchebag and deserve it if your reproductive organs shut down, you contract early onset SKS (see earlier blog post on E.D.)): your car ignition goes into lockdown and the engine seizes, your airbags deploy knocking you unconscious, and your local volunteer fire department comes and drags you away while AAA tows daddy’s car to the impound lot.  And your license is suspended for a decade.  Unless you can afford Gloria Allred, you’re probably not driving again until you’re AARP eligible, in which case you’re now on my no-fly list because old people aren’t allowed to drive…

Pet Peeves

As an interesting “play on words”, here’s some more things that really grind my gears about sharing the road with the rest of the world…

  • People who cross over the solid line into the HOV lane – you are truly @ssholes who have no regard for your fellow humans and should be stripped naked and thrown into oncoming traffic after being set on fire
  • People who ride on your bumper at excessive speeds – I should be allowed to waterboard you in a Penn Station toilet
  • People who enter parkways/highways/freeways/expressways without looking or yielding to oncoming traffic – if you get pinned into an overpass…it’s YOUR BAD
  • Motorcyclists who weave in and out of traffic, ride between cars and otherwise do sh*t in your blind spots that are insanely dangerous – may you be ejected from your bike and land in a heaping pile of sh*t that takes weeks to eradicate the smell from…
  • “that guy” doing 50 in the left lane of the Long Island expressway and not budging even though they are holding an entire county hostage behind them and the speed limit is 55 and most are doing 75 – I hope someone pisses in your corn flakes the next time you’re at IHOP or the Waffle House…
  • Uber/Lyft drivers rolling in front of you and holding you up while looking for a passenger or an address – your life rating is one single star and you should never get a tip and all of your revenue should be donated back to the municipality whose economy you’re ruining (in addition to my day…)…
  • The @sshole who makes a right turn in front of you from the left lane – there isn’t enough Metamucil on this earth for me to sufficiently spike your Starbucks coffee with…
  • People who feel the need to change lanes in stop dead traffic and cut-off/nearly hit you to fill their need to be in a lane they think is faster than the one they came from – I hope whatever liquid is in the cup I just threw at your windshield leaves a permanent stain and your children’s growth is stunted by the trauma...
  • People who put their hand out of their window to signal that they want to cut you off – I’d have more respect for you and be less inclined to give you the finger if you used the turn signal in your vehicle like the rest of us…
  • People who put political/stupid message stickers or magnets on their bumpers (like my father-in-law) – news flash, nobody cares, so go back in the basement and blog anonymously (like I do - 😊)…if somebody keys your car because your kid is an honor student, you want to still remind the world you voted for Al Gore (which means you have serious deep seated issues that probably put you on my no-drive list), or that you honk for liberals, or that you felt the need to put some crunchy granola pet bumper sticker about rescue dogs or cats on your sh*tty Dodge Aries K car…YOU BROUGHT THAT ON YOURSELF, THAT NEW PAINT JOB IS YOUR BAD
  • People who pimp out their Hondas and put the name of their car in their illegally tinted winshields, eg, “CIVIC” – you suffer from an insane inferiority complex that neither I nor Dr Phil nor Dr Freud nor any of the clinic psychologists on NBC’s Law & Order can even begin to touch…you’re a special nuanced exciting breed of weirdo that should be banned from driving…
  • Speaking of inferiority complexes – dudes under 5’5” that drive Hummers or jacked up pickups with wheels designed to roll around on Mars - may you get explosive diarrhea in the champagne room at your local jiggle joint during your next lap dance ; AND for you guys over 70 years old rolling around in Porsches or other luxury convertibles – according to the above, you’re on my banned list…but you’re also sadly pathetic, and an over-sized bird should shit on your fake weave covering your woefully bald head while you're tooling around with your 35 year old girlfriend you found in some low self esteem chat room who takes 20mg of Zoloft to leave the house each day…match made in heaven I’d say…

So you can see folks, BFD has some pretty solid road rage going on.  So take it from me and be a responsible driver, look out for your fellow man, woman or non-conforming gender “they” and make our roadways a safer place…

 

BFD

Long Island Expressway Exit 59



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  • Rubba on

    #Embracetherage

  • Mb on

    BTW: your 16 year old got her permit and started driving today ironically .. I was
    Just telling her she might not want to drive with you 😜.


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